What’s the point? We sometimes hide things from those we love because we are afraid they won’t love us if they find out, or worse, they will laugh at us which could crush our vulnerable dreams.

Yet each secret we conceal chips away at the veracity of our relationships, and could eventually damage the trust that is the glue of our connection. Glenn Whipp, reviewer for the Los Angeles Times, said the movie “…does contain a fundamental understanding of the rot that sets in when people hide their true selves from the ones they love.”

Fortunately, the rot in the relationships was fodder for a very funny script and great character acting, especially by the lead character, Vince Rizzo, played by Andy Garcia.

City Island Wisdom:

• The only way to grow and truly understand love and intimacy is to face the lies you’ve told about your past so you can totally be yourself in the present. If you withhold secrets from your family and friends, you take a piece of yourself out of the relationship. This includes the difficult messages we sometimes have to give. The truth may hurt, but guilt is more damaging in the long-run.

• The truth is easier to live with than keeping track of the white lies we tell. Yes, sometimes we tell meaningless white lies to preserve someone’s ego. Clearly state the justification for your white lie, and then ask yourself if this is a rationalization to cover your fear of telling the truth.

• God busts us, and then gives us another chance. This line came in at the end of the movie when all lies, and truths, were revealed. No matter what we do with good intention, our lies, misdeeds, cover-ups, lazy or spineless choices have a way of bubbling up to the surface and giving us a chance to make amends. Some call this Karma. Others call it “make your bed, now sleep in it.” Yet life does serve up second, third and more chances to do the right thing. If you learned all the lessons you could, would you still be here?

• Forgiveness leads to a quick, happy ending. Yes, the movie ended with a group hug. But it was charming nonetheless. Grudges serve no one. Compassion and love deserve applause.

Go see the movie. Then share your City Island wisdom here.

On a more personal level, I found some great insights in the article to help me better communicate or at least better understand left-brain thinkers. I’ll share a few points here.

But first let me say that yes, there are men who access the right side of their brains proficiently, and even compulsively. However, there have been many studies that indicate that especially under duress, men tend to primarily access their logical, fixate-on-one-point-of-view-and-solve-the-problem-from-here left side of their brains. I talk more about how this plays out in the workplace in this week’s Huffington Post blog entry.

Due to both our biology and our upbringing, women tend to be more balanced, accessing both their right and left hemispheres when solving problems and communicating to others. Or if they lean to one side of the brain, they rely more heavily on their right hemisphere which leads them to focus on nonverbal as well as verbal cues, see interconnections among all parts of an issue, consider social and emotional impact as well as logical outcomes, and relate circumstances to metaphors and stories.

The result? Men and women often have a failure to communicate.

We can argue or be self-righteous all day about who offers a better perspective. The truth is, if we are talking to someone who processes information differently than us then we need to alter our style in order to be heard. I continue to learn this lesson as I teach predominantly left-brain men how to be good leaders. Here are some tips I’ve learned to heed:

1.  Women like to talk about relationships and feelings. We like to converse about progress and the details that led up to the results. We like the give and take of talk, but we also like our viewpoints to be validated. Men might tolerate this, but they first want to know what the point is of the conversation. They want to know why “what happened before” is important to the result before listening to the stories. They want their viewpoints validated too even if we think they need more information. Therefore,

• Find common ground first. Agree to the headline and the goal of the conversation.
• Respect each others’ viewpoints.
• Don’t keep talking when the other person mentally checks out.

2.  Although men use complaining as a way to vent their emotions, women get emotionally hooked by their words. In other words, when a man complains, the woman worries. Therefore, before reacting women should

• Ask what the man needs right now to feel better about the situation.
• Ask if the situation requires any action or if he is just describing an annoyance he has to live with. If he just needs to rant, you have nothing to worry about.
• Ask if he would be open to exploring other perspectives. If he isn’t thrilled by the idea, don’t push it. And don’t try to make him stop expressing himself. Go do something you enjoy doing instead of listening if his words bother you.

3.  Women use small talk and personal compliments to bond. In the middle of a conversation, I might compliment a woman on her hair or her purse. This might lead to a conversation about stylists or shopping before getting back to the topic. Men don’t get that this is about bonding.

• Bond with a man by complimenting what he is saying, not what he is wearing. If you can’t compliment his ideas, ask who, what, where, when, and “what else” questions. Deepen the conversation instead of distracting from it.
• Men like personal compliments, too, but not in front of a group and not when it is out of context.
• If giving a personal compliment could imply a hidden agenda, even if you have none, don’t give it. Men aren’t used to compliments so they sometimes assume you want something from it.

There are a lot more tips available all over the Internet. Some are good. Some promote unfair stereotyping. I think the best advice is to try to discover how best we can connect individually and then honor these differences as natural mental habits. Do have any tips to add?

THE RESULT:
Women multitask better than men. Not only can we work on one thing at a time, we can access many different points, stories and examples from the past that relate to any topic that comes up.

Men focus better than women. When we get on a roll, they often have no idea what we are talking about or they either check out or get irritated if we don’t stay on the thinking track they chose.

Evolution gave us this difference because in the old days, women had to stir the pot, listen for predators and watch the children all at once while men went out to hunt, which required patience and focus. However, in our complex world, we need to be able to compensate for this difference as well as exploit it.

TIPS FOR  HIGH ACHIEVING WOMEN:
We love to be problem solvers. We know we can accomplish more in less time than anyone else. However, there are times when giving 100% to the task at hand (ultimate focus) is better than doing and/or thinking about ten things at once. Sorry…you can’t fully listen to someone and do your email.

1. Giving a focused effort may mean finding a quiet space, turning off the phones and setting boundaries for when you can’t be interrupted. Or maybe you need to let people know when is the best time they can get your attention.

2. When talking to men, be sure to stay with one topic at a time. Their propensity to focus makes it hard to follow your train of thought if you get off-track. And don’t expect them to stop what they are doing to listen to you. They can’t change the channel that quickly.

Let’s celebrate our differences, or at least laugh at them. We need to count on each other’s strengths for success.

Please share any techniques you use to stay focused by commenting on this post. I’ll collect them and share the list in the future.

And please remember that these are genetic tendencies. There are always exceptions to the rules.

• Quick thinkers.
• Solution finders.
• Action-oriented, meaning work always gets done on time or before expected.
• Opinionated, and can argue well for what they believe.
• Passionate.
  
• Appreciative of recognition and respect for their work and their ideas.

For every strength, there is a blindspot. Can you find yours in each of the strengths named above?

One of my clients realized that she gets very angry when people don’t acknowledge how much time, energy and brain power goes into her ideas. This causes her to judge them negatively, leading to difficult conversations if any at all.

• Quick thinkers often judge those who like to contemplate to be incompetent.
• Solution finders make others dependent on their wisdom.
• Too much action depletes time for reflection.
• Opinions block out new vision and possibilities (if you already know the answer, then there is nothing new to see).
• Passion can be overwhelming, pushing people away instead of engaging them.

When we get to know ourselves, both the light and the dark sides, we can make better choices in the moment.

Do you have a story to share? Please post it at here.