Raise your hand for happiness
I just received a rejection notice. I applied to be on the board of a professional association. They turned me down.
Part of me was disappointed, embarrassed, angry, and even worried. The rest of me was utterly relieved. Woo hoo!
While interviewing women for my book, Wander Women, I had a very accomplished woman tell me, “All my life I was taught to raise my hand. Now I’m finally questioning what I’m raising my hand for.”
I do like serving my associations that have given so much to me in the form of education and networking. I have to admit, I also like the attention and prestige I get for holding leadership positions. Yet in meeting my needs, I haven’t done a good job of weighing the costs. Fame can be fatiguing.
In Gone with the Wind, Rhett Butler told Scarlett, “Until you’ve lost your reputation, you never realize what a burden it was or what freedom really is.”
What titles, positions, and roles do you hold onto because you are afraid you won’t be credible without them? What tasks have you taken on that you have come to regret because of the drain on your time and energy?
It’s time we tell the truth about what we are raising our hands for, and create more space for work that is more fulfilling and freeing.
Post your comments at www.BurdenofGreatness.com. Wander Woman: How High-Achieving Women Find Contentment and Direction will be released June 15th. Stay tuned for more information.
Here’s the test I share in my workshops and the question I have to ask myself again and again…”Just because I could, does it mean I should?”
Thanks, Marcia, for reminding me, my hand can also serve me well resting gently in my lap!
I always enjoy and smile at your honesty Marcia – it’s so true that as busty sucessful women and women who KNOW we can do just about anything we want to can sometimes raise our hand way too many times. Professionally I have found that some of my best new work has come from others requests ……you know – let your audience tell you what they want to hear – but I have also been pulled back into areas of interest I had decided not to do any more JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE NEEDS ME !! Oh ….we like to fee needed don’t we? Thank you again for stirring up this brain of mine. Janice Hurley-Trailor – The Image Expert
I sheepishly admit that my never-ending need for recognition has been a major reason for me raising my hand so enthusiastically in the past.
I have started realizing however that I am better able to do my work when I am not spread out too thinly, and have decided that giving more of myself to fewer causes results in a better quality of work (not to mention the luxury of having a bit more time for myself!).
I passed this unfortunate trait (of needing recognition from her accomplishments to give her a sense of good self-esteem) onto my daughter & tried to “break” her of it. She was an exceptional student & is now an exceptional law prof (after practicing for about 6 yrs. in some very high-profile cases, one of which was televised!).
She became very stressed even in high school in that she was offered the opportunity to take AP classes in English, History, Math, French & Biology. She wanted to take all of these classes. I was worried that that would be too much work for her as she was also a perfectionist & had a 4.0 GPA (this was before her high school started utilizing weighted grades) & felt compelled to keep that 4.0 GPA in order to be the valedictorian.
I asked her if she “loved” science (my husband is a research scientist!!) & she said she didn’t so I suggested strongly she shouldn’t take the AP science class. She wanted to take it as it would “look good” on her college application. She was also on the Debate team, participated in a serious ballet program, had many artistic talents (even wrote a novel in her “spare time”), had a part-time job, an active social life & did volunteer work.
I also had a problem w/a lack of “boundaries” w/helping people–friends, strangers in need, anyone & everyone!! I would put everyone else above myself & ended up w/acute stress & had a “nervous breakdown”–I have a mental health condition that takes a turn for the worse when I am under undue stress.
I was on the Board of Directors of a volunteer organization & headed up their educational classes. I scheduled 3-10 week classes per year & the President of the organization wanted me to coordinate & run a class in January & I wasn’t planning to do it until March as I had had a relapse & had a period of deep depression.
I told the President that I couldn’t do the class in January & made up elaborate excuses (I didn’t think I should have to reveal the private info. about my mental health condition), but this lady knew I was a “people pleaser” & w/every excuse I came up with she came up with an answer as to why I could still do the class. I practically said I was going to do a moon launch & yet she still figured out how I could still do the class.
Well, I did the class despite it being not a good time for me due to my “weakened” state & need for rest & recuperation. I did the class & did an excellent job (as usual), but it took a toll on me so that I resigned from the Board & discontinued being the coordinator of the educational program.
My therapist was so wise & told me: “‘NO’ is a complete sentence.” She told me that I should not give excuses & I didn’t need to give excuses as to why I could not do a certain request. I did feel anger as on the Board were several professional people, CEOs of companies, a judge, a couple therapists, etc. (much “higher” in status as far as jobs than I had) & I knew if the President of the Board asked one of them a request & the answer would be a simple, “No.” I doubt the President would have badgered the Judge as she did me. And I doubt the Judge would have felt the need to give elaborate reasons why she couldn’t do it, either.
So that was very helpful to me: “‘NO’ is a complete sentence.” & I don’t owe anyone an excuse as to why I cannot fulfill his/her request no matter how lofty or worthy the cause.
I love the advise, “No is a complete sentence.” I also like the idea of being very clear on what you want to help you move forward instead of the need to be seen as great at everything. Thanks, Suzy!
