Quit Being So Nice
Men are taught to be right. Women are taught to be nice.
Fortunately, a lot more women are also being raised with enough of an education to be right too. But the need to be nice can still be a downfall.
Contrary to Linda Kaplan Thaler’s book, The Power of Nice, there is a limit to the results being nice will get you. Fundamentally, it is better to be nice than rude and we like people who are fair better than those who are selfish. But too much congeniality is counterproductive.
I recently read a number of articles that say people who are too nice repel others. Either they make us feel badly for not being as nice as they are or we judge excessively nice behavior as manipulative.
In the November edition of Scientific Mind, an article titled That’s Nice, Now Get Out by Valerie Ross cited a study where people could kick members off their team for behaviors they didn’t like. The results showed that being overly generous was just as annoying as cheating.
I wonder if this is the reason for the belief that men like bitches more than nice girls. It might not be that they want to be mistreated. They just don’t like being showered with niceness. And maybe they actually respect a woman who sets strong boundaries and shows a tough demeanor when dealing with difficulties.
The answer seems to be to match your “niceness” to the people you are playing with. If they are nice, you can be nice back. If they are not so nice, don’t try to change who they are by being nicer than they are. It won’t work. Take care of yourself instead.
What do you think of this research?
I think our true power–whether we’re a man or a woman–lies in knowing who we are and having the courage to be that consistently, regardless of the circumstances. I have known some very gruff people who were incredibly good, and some incredibly nice people who were manipulative and self-serving. The people I trust the most are those who exhibit consistency in character regardless of the situation. Taking time to understand what another person can contribute, rather than how they behave, can help you create a team that transcends personality and game playing.
That being said, as a “nice” person (I prefer “kind” and hate the word “sweet”), I will say that I have never seen men respond so quickly and enthusiastically as they did in my last job when I hit the end of my rope and threw some well-placed expletives into the room. Talk about functioning from the primal brain!!
In her book “Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office,” Lois Frankel did a good job of listing out a lot of habits common among women that fall into the ‘nice’ category, which we might often overlook. Some of them were incredibly insightful and valuable.
And, for me personally, I have found that, time and time again, I get much farther being frank than being nice. But I have to watch how I handle that because in some places that works well (San Francisco & NYC), while other places value “nice” more and have some trouble with “frank” (Salt Lake City & Austin).
Ironically, my husband is actually what I would consider “too nice” much of the time, and he is constantly struggling with how much grief it ends up causing him. But then, he also often thinks that my frankness is rude. 
Alora, I love your comment about your husband. I recently got very upset with my partner because he stopped to help some people which made us late for the train. I called him thoughtless when he called it “being nice!”
Was just considering this issue… I had the feeling that my niceness does not mean that much to my partner as I would hope to. He is a VERY nice man himself, but rather nicer to other people than to myself (because I am nice anyways?!?!).
I am now resolved to change, because I caught myself trying to PROVE my worth from my deeds, but instead I got – it has all been your choice (TRUE), I have not asked all those things from you (TRUE) and that mentioning what I have done (when I feel absence of respect for it) that that self-praise makes him sick!!! I am only wondering what effect would there be when I simply take more care about myself, my needs and my dreams – having pampered someone, it seems I have earned the next rather difficult phase to come.
