“Where they burn books, so too will they in the end burn human beings.”

German poet Heinrich Heine wrote these words in 1821 referring to the burning of the Muslim holy book, the Qur’an, during the Spanish Inquisition where thousands of people were slaughtered. Heine’s books were later burned by the Nazis because he was a Jew.

When I heard about the book burning planned next Saturday in the small church in Florida, I had to write something. I even imagined myself flying there and standing on the spot they intend to do the burning.

I intellectually understand the right to spout off words of hate in the name of free speech. I emotionally cannot fathom burning things that are dear to people to prove a point.

I travel extensively outside of our country. Our image has been tarnished for years. We are not seen as the greatest country anymore. Besides hurting our reputation, this image hurts our pocket books. We cannot afford being arrogant anymore.

When I listen to the news, I rarely hear the voice of good sense come forward. In my own state, Arizona, no one seems to be standing up to the hate-mongering going on in our government, not even the current Democratic candidate who seems to be hiding out on Facebook and in safe home parties.

This week starts the Jewish New Year. This book burning, which might as well include the Old Testament along with the Qur’an (I heard the pastor say that he was most offended that the book does not recognize Jesus as the son of God), feels like a violation more than an expression of values.

When I think about the growing anger and divisiveness in my community and country, I feel helpless. Is there any way we can begin this new year in on a different note? Please join me in doing whatever you can to shift the consciousness back to honoring each other for the beauty in our differences instead of attacking each other and focusing on the worst of stereotypes for any given group.

I believe religious book burning is Anti-American. When does free speech become a violation?

This made total sense to me. The more you feel disgust, the more close-minded you are.

The beauty of the article was in the follow-on study where they paired the “disgusted people” with objects of their disgust. They objects of disgust were instructed to share stories about their families, their upbringing, their struggles and their joys.

The ending is totally predictable. When we listen to people’s stories, we realize how similar we all are. Disgust melts into empathy. Intolerance decreases.

So how can we use this information at home, in the workplace, in our neighborhoods and in creating a larger global community?

I am writing this post while sitting on an Asian airplane in Hong Kong, laying over until we take off for Singapore. On the way to China, the airplane was full of people different from me. They ate differently, disobeyed travel rules according to me, took up space differently than I and looked at me as if I were the alien. I wondered about the people as they disembarked the plane. If I knew the stories of my fellow travelers, I bet I would be fascinated, amused, heartbroken, delighted and in love.

When the plane emptied, the flight attendant came by, checked my passport and slapped a sticker on me indicating I was “checked baggage” because I opted to stay on the plane and write instead of wander the Hong Kong airport at 5 o’clock Sunday morning. I chose to be amused rather than disgusted.

As I prepare to deliver a keynote to the Asia-Pacific Coaching Conference on the Mysteries of Interconnection, I will hold this energy. I honor our cultural differences, but I am more in awe of our human similarities. I think we first need to connect before we focus on how we differ.

And if you catch yourself feeling disgusted by someone, can you step back and think about what stories the person might share? What fears, dreams, hopes, and disappointments might they be experiencing? Or better yet, can you ask them?

How will you use this perspective today?

I was recently asked by a reporter, “Why do women sabotage each other?” I have experienced some women who betrayed my trust. I have experienced many more women, including strangers, who were willing to help the moment I asked them. Many even helped when I didn’t ask.

Two strange women approached me in the train station in Milan, Italy. I had taken a train from the mountains in Switzerland hoping to get to Florence. The route had me changing trains four times where I had to climb up and down stairs hauling two huge pieces of luggage while trying to decipher signs in a language I could not read. I missed one connection, got thrown off of first-class on another (I had no idea which car to board) and ended up in Milan feeling lost and alone.

As I stood on the platform trying to figure out what train to take through the tears welling in my eyes, two women sandwiched me and forced me to walk to a food kiosk. Before I could scream, one said, “Don’t be such an easy target.”

The other asked me where I was going. When I told her, she located the train I was supposed to take and explained what I needed to do to exchange my ticket for a new one.

When I finally caught my breath, they told me that any woman traveling alone carrying huge suitcases, a big purse and a look of confusion would quickly lose something important to them. I should be more careful with my belongings and stand more confidently when I stopped to regroup.

Who says women don’t help each other? Let’s tell more stories about how we do support each other so people will stop saying we don’t.

I liked the movie. I felt the lead character represented the most common reason I found in my research why women wander: they don’t know who they are and what they want.

The problem is that they spend many years leaving what they don’t want anymore (physically or mentally) without having a clear picture of what they do want.

Even if they had a clear idea of what they wanted for their lives, at some point, they forget. Here’s a story of a woman I coached who felt overwhelmed at work. What we discovered was that she didn’t have a problem prioritizing; she had a problem feeling inspired by her work because she didn’t know why she was there.

As in the case with my client, sometimes reviving an old dream can give you back your North Star .

Sometimes you have to crystallize the picture of your new dream—what would a perfect day at work or in your relationship look like?

Sometimes the picture isn’t ready to come forth, but you can discover what gives you a sense of purpose in your life and do what it takes to have this experience more often. Look at your day and determine what you are doing only because you should. Then look at what you are doing because you want to do it.

Once you begin to understand what you want to create for yourself, ask yourself:

1. What can I start doing today to ease my transition?
2. What about my new life can I begin to integrate into my current work and life?
3. Who can I ask to support me in making my transition?
4. What do I need to do to stay committed to my choices?

Although the notion of taking a year off and living in Italy, India and Bali to discover myself sounds delightful, I learned what I’m sharing with you sitting at my desk and sometimes wandering into the mountains at the end of my road. I hope this  helps you figure out the road you want to be on before you take too many unfulfilling detours.

A colleague of mine had an opportunity to coach a famous couple. We talked about possible issues and approaches that would be significant for them. I felt we covered the bases.

Then I had a dream that night where I was coaching a couple. The conversation turned to balance. I woke clearly remembering what I shared with them. I’m not sure if I pulled this out of the recesses of my brain or if these thoughts are divinely inspired, but here is what I watched myself saying (with details added to make sense of dream talk)….

Every relationship starts out with a particular balance. This doesn’t mean equality. The balance is the agreement made between two people (often unspoken). It’s the psychological contract that builds trust.

The elements of the balance include the obvious things such as finances, household chores, child rearing, vacation time and time spent with the in-laws. The less obvious agreements include amount and substance of communication, shows of affection, support for personal problems, contribution to joint problems, honoring personal time and space, and involvement in business decisions.

This balance sets up the expectations in the relationship. Everything is fine while the balance is maintained.

If one person in the relationship changes the balance, or one person accepted a balance they didn’t like, there will be problems. Surrender turns into resentment over time.

Even if the elements of the relationship shift, the balance must be maintained, as if you are on a see-saw. I recently had a female client who was the breadwinner of the house lose her job. Her husband asked if he could spend time building his business before she took another position. This meant a shift in everything in their relationship, from household chores to personal time to involvement in business decisions. They needed to work out all the elements in the changing nature of their relationship.

The shift in the balance could be as big as a job change or as small as a change in your exercise schedule. The balance is disrupted every time you face a personal issue that you are struggling to resolve or a hidden desire that starts coming to the surface.

The only way to maintain this balance is through communication. We have expectations and desires anyway so you might as well put them out on the table and see if the balance can be made.

End of dream. How about that for insight! So the question remains, how do you create this balance?

In my first book, Capture the Rapture: How to Step Out of Your Head and Leap into Life, I outlined a method to “covision a relationship.” Whether you are working out the balance in your personal relationship or your work team, the process applies. Here are the steps in a nutshell:

Step 1.  Clarify Assumptions. Each person privately writes down what they expect to occur. The more details, the better. What is the picture of a week in your life together?

Step 2. Determine Your Measures of Success. Write the top three things you feel would be terrible to happen. Examples include, “problems get huge before they’re discussed,” and “money is spent without approval.” Under the second column, write the top three things you feel you must have to make the partnership work for you. An example might be, “we have a deep conversation at least twice a week.”

Step 3. Take turns reading your visions and lists aloud. Don’t argue points. Listen with respect.

Step 4. Construct a Covision. If there’s no disagreement, you’re home free. If you collide on an issue, take the time to work out your differences. If possible, go for a win-win approach, a solution that meets everyone’s needs.

Step 5. Make it Happen. Agree to actions to make your picture a reality.

Step 6. Toast the masterpiece you composed together.

Step 7.  Agree that this balance will change over time.

Successful relationships depend not only on a balance, but communicating through shifts in the balance. Make it a habit to discuss and negotiate changing expectations regularly with everyone in your life to maintain a foundation of agreement and respect.

The level of risk in any situation is definitely in the eye of the beholder.

Sunday I decided to pay attention to my actions. If I were to give anyone advice about following the mountain trail, I wanted to be clear on the steps I took. While doing so, I realized that the steps for making my hike safe and enjoyable were also good lessons for my business.

First, to get to the top of the first peak, I have to make my way up a crevice near the top. This means I have to rely on my arm strength to pull me up as I find foot holes for balance. Before I move my feet, I have to make sure my grasp is solid. The rocks I am holding onto can’t be loose.

Lesson #1: Before making a risky move, make sure you have something solid to hold onto—facts, plans, friends, and a vision can help.

Second, if I choose to run down the mountains, I find it actually easier and faster to lean forward instead of back. I can see the ground. My motion is more fluid. I’m not putting as much pressure on my joints than if I were to lean backward.

Lesson #2: Instead of relaxing, pick up speed when your tasks are easier. This is your chance to make up time and carve out free time for later. Stay as focused on what you are doing as if you were under pressure; don’t give in to the urge multitask.

Third, there are many forks in the road to choose from. Sometimes the one that looks scarier at the start is the one that has the best path to the top. If I only act by habit, I miss opportunities.

Lesson #3: Don’t just stay on the path you are on. You have to periodically reinvent both your business and your strategy to stay alive in the marketplace. Look around for other paths that might work better now. Test the paths out…know where they go before you say no to a new way.

Fourth, don’t go off the path just because you think it’s a good shortcut (another path is okay, but getting off track is wasteful). Shortcuts never work. I end up with rocks in my socks and cuts from thorny bushes. I often have to backtrack when I find myself facing a brambled wash that could be shelter for a rattlesnake.

Lesson #4: It’s easy to be distracted by promises of easy success or the lure of something you’d rather do than your work.

Fifth, bring more water than you think you need. Wear the right clothing for the weather. Take a friend along to enjoy the journey and to help if something goes wrong.

Lesson #5: If you prepare well, you decrease the risk.

Have a productive, enjoyable and risky week!

In my resistance to be the person everyone expected me to be, I ran down a dark path of drug abuse that landed me in jail. I could have fallen deeper, feeling I had failed those who loved me and ruined my chances at a successful life. One of my cellmates turned me back in the right direction.

She did this by helping me see who I am separate from what I do.

This may seem like a clear distinction but when I ask those who attend my programs to make their own lists describing who they are, they act confused. I often get responses like, “I’m a good parent.” Or, “People like to work with me.” I then I have to coach the person to tell me what makes them a good parent or what attracts people to them.

I ask if they are patient, caring, smart, funny, inclusive, inspiring, reliable, generous, courageous, compassionate, passionate, or kind? They struggle with finding the answer, and then most are embarrassed to speak the words aloud.

Who are you seems to be a difficult question to answer.

Yet knowing who you are at your best is important to calling up these aspects when you are faced with difficult situations.

• When I remind myself of who I am, I have the strength to face my fears and worries.
• When I show up as the best of who I am, people are more drawn to me.
• When I acknowledge myself at the end of the day for who I was as well as what I accomplished, I feel more fulfilled.

Here’s an exercise I heard from a friend at the National Speakers Association conference last week. Name two people you most admire. Write down the traits that you admire in them. List at least ten traits that define who these people are.

Now consider that the traits you most admire in others reflect what you most like about yourself. These traits make up who you are at your best.

You might feel that you want to be more of some of these traits. If so, what’s stopping you from being more ___________? What will you do to give this part of you more expression in your life?

When you claim who you are and truly show up as your best self, you will not only succeed with greater ease, you will end your day feeling more content with your life.

I encourage you to do the exercise and then list ten traits that define WHO you are at your best in a comment to this blog post. Declaring these traits in public will help you more confidently claim and live as the wonderful person you truly are.

The problem is that the keynoters were telling me how to live. They told great stories. They opened my heart. Yet they didn’t trigger me to see life in a new way. Nothing new emerged.

They tried to solve my problems for me. They tried to get me to behave differently. They disguised this advice-giving with pathos, passion and humor. I retold some of their stories. I laughed and cried again.

If the point was to enrich my life with good emotions, they succeeded. If the goal was to transform me into a new human being, they failed.

They failed because they didn’t allow me to think for myself.

Giving advice doesn’t allow for the profound shifts to occur, the shifts that lead to new connections in the brain and real behavioral change. A powerful question that doesn’t have a prescribed answer, that causes me to be a bit uncomfortable and connects me to my personal reality has a greater chance of changing my life than incredible advice and persuasion.

For example, one speaker asked the question, “Are you brave enough to choose what matters?” There is only one right answer to this question. I might yell, “Yes!” but the question doesn’t confront why I won’t do anything differently when I get home and face my email.

Instead, if he had asked, “What are you committed to now that stops you from doing what you know would matter more?” Or, “What is the price you are paying for staying on the path you are on?” Or, as I ask in Wander Woman, “What have you imprisoned that wants to be free?” – and then had people write their answers down and even talk about them with a partner – he would have had a more lasting effect on the audience.

Peter Block in his book, Community, suggests we replace advice-giving with curiosity. Whether you are presenting or conversing, if you seek to understand the person you are speaking to—what is important to them, what is stopping them, and what are they holding back—new perspective and possibilities will emerge. Then, if you engage them in conversation to explore what promises they are willing to make that will change their lives, you are truly helping them solve their problems and grow.

I saw Peter boldly do this last year with his keynote speech. He spoke, but over half of his time he gave to us to explore the powerful questions he asked. The standing ovation he received was both enthusiastic and heartfelt.

More than anything, people want to be seen and heard. Whether you address a group or an individual, when you see them instead of speak at them, they are more apt to see themselves in your eyes. In the moment the reflection is clear, truth appears. Are you helping people grow by engaging them in understanding or keeping them small by telling them what to do?

Consider this the next time you speak to a group, an employee, a client, child, friend, or lover. Then please share your experiences here.

Want to increase the power of your presentations? Join Marsh Engle and me in Sedona in September. We will be working with only 10 people in 2-day pre-conference workshop, Speak Your Power, to define your message, craft a speech and confidently deliver it on stage on Saturday at the Amazing Woman’s Day conference.

http://www.amazingwomansday.com/sedona.htm

I might not need a future trip if I didn’t make the business meeting. My client would only pay for one ticket. I would have to pay thousands of dollars that would not be reimbursed if I chose to play it safe.

I kept asking my colleague in Denmark what I should do. I kept checking the news. Hourly, I checked air prices to see if any deal popped up. I worried. I complained.

Finally, my colleague said, “What would you do differently if you knew the solution would appear with ease and grace?”

Ease and grace? At first, I blew him off. How could I find a solution by sitting back and letting things happen? That felt like giving up.

I tried it anyway, breathing and clearing my mind as I allowed myself to feel “ease and grace.” It wasn’t about giving up. I gave into the feeling of peace that comes with acceptance. I quit struggling to control a situation that was out of my grasp.

In the moment of release, a new solution appeared.

I called one of the airlines that had a flight that wasn’t ideal, but would allow me to get off the plane and arrive in the room with about twenty minutes of breathing time before I met the client. I didn’t buy the flight. I asked how long they could hold it. They said they would hold the reservation for three days.

After three days, British Air was still on strike. I let the reservation lapse with ease and grace and booked it again a few minutes later. This would take me up to the morning I was going to leave.

When I woke the morning that I had to make a decision, I checked the Internet and found the strike had ended. I let the other ticket lapse.

When I boarded the plane that evening, the plane was near empty because so many people had booked other flights. I landed in London to change planes. Heathrow airport was a like ghost town with no waiting lines. Ease and grace.

I arrived well rested the night before the meeting. The next day, we earned the business.

Those of us that love to control situations knowing we can find the right solution if we work hard enough sometimes miss the solution that is out there waiting for us in the bigger picture. We can’t see those options when we are obsessing about finding solutions. We will only see what is bigger, and wiser, than our crazy, busy selves when we relax into this space of possibility with ease and grace.

Try it—the next time you are beating your head against the wall to find an answer, sit back and ask, “What would I do differently if I knew the solution would appear with ease and grace?”

You can’t do ease. You can’t do grace. You have to feel it. When you do, you might be amazed at what shows up for you to do differently to solve your dilemma.

Or maybe it just won’t matter anymore.

If today were my last day on Earth and I could share 500 words of brilliance with the world, here are the important things I’d want to pass along to others…

In our Twitter-crazed, attention-deficit world, 500 words could get lost. Here’s my challenge to you–if you were given one chance to share 250 words or less with the world, what would you say? What piece of wisdom do you hold that if you shared it, it could make a difference? What have you experienced that could yield a great lesson for others?

I had lots of ideas. This is what I came up with today:

I don’t know who first said these words, but the advice is, “Take your work seriously but take yourself lightly.” As an achievement-driven woman, I have often lost my sense of self to my work. My identity then gets wrapped up in the applause I’m hoping to get for the brilliant work I put out. This leaves me vulnerable to judgment; I rely on others to tell me that I’m important. I am only happy when I feel seen.

Although we humans like to feel seen, heard and recognized, this is a never-ending exhausting pursuit. You can’t see what makes you feel incredible in the present. You can’t truly appreciate the fruits of your efforts regardless of what your critics say.

I want for you to take yourself lightly even as you work with passion and intensity. When you are overwhelmed with work or worried about the future, can you stop and be gentle with yourself? Can you laugh at your big fat dreams as much as you hope they will come true?

Step back and be your own guardian angel. What would she want you to feel right now? Learn how to hear this lighter voice, the one that is often overshadowed by the voices that push you to do more.

You can do more.  And you can enjoy the journey in the process. When you balance your passion with a “lightness of being” you can remember what is most important to you no matter what people say.

What about you? What words would you like to leave behind if you were to leave the planet today? Share them here. And share what doors this exercise opened for you.