There are many exercises available on how to 1) vision possible futures, 2) identify strengths and passion, and 3) determine what to do first on your journey. I have blogged on these topics and Google can suggest many sites with techniques you can try.

An off-beat idea is to study your regrets. We tend to want to forget our regrets. I’ve read lots of quotes telling me not to have regrets (which is humanly impossible) or that regrets are just lessons (maybe, but they are still regrets).

The more you experience life, the more you look back on decisions you made with the sense that if you only knew then what you know now, you would have chosen differently. There is great wisdom in hindsight.

Yet hindsight can give you great foresight if you study your regrets.

What are you sorry for that you did or did not do? The answer to this question can give you great insight on what could be missing in your life.

Of course, there is no purpose in beating yourself up, again, for the decisions you made in the past. You had a reason you believed in. What you can do is use the loss you still feel to help you focus on what you want to create this year and beyond.

Consider these questions:

1. What do I miss or wish I would have done? Can I factor these losses into my plans for this year?
2. Do I still feel guilty for not doing something I think I should have? Is there a way I can complete this situation this year so I can move on whole-heartedly?
3. What is still stopping me now from doing what I really want to do or getting what I want? What can I do to remove these obstacles?
4. Have I set the right standards for my own success? Maybe I’m not celebrating what I have today regardless of what I thought it should look like. And if I want more for myself, can I clearly paint that picture looking forward instead of backwards?

If you call up and clearly identify what you regret, you can use this information to help you focus on the future. Your regrets can help you make major life decisions.

What insights do your regrets give you?

Second, I’ve been reflecting on how best I can serve you with this blog. I thought refining my focus would help me find the inspiration to write while giving you useful ideas and perspective.

I decided to base this blog on what shows up as “The Theme of the Week” when I’m teaching or coaching. There always seems to be one major theme that shows up for all my coaching clients on specific days. It is often carried over into my teaching.

The theme of this week was Making Major Life Decisions. This is  a common theme for my clients since I attract Wanderers.

You make decisions all day long, many of them unconscious based on your past experiences, such as what to do first when you first wake up and what steps you take to drive your car out of the driveway. Other decisions require some deliberation, such as what clothing to wear or what street to turn onto.

Your major life and work decisions are more time-consuming, brain-confusing and scary enough to make a normally-confident woman feel as if she has gone mad.

The problem is that you want to make “the right decision.” Most likely, there is no possible way for you to know at this moment  what will happen to you in the future regardless of what choice you make.

The only data you have is what you know to be true and how you feel about each choice RIGHT NOW. Everything else is speculation that may or may not come true.

Most of the decisions my clients bring to me relate to job or career choices. Most often, their current situation is tolerable if not good. Otherwise the choice would be easy. Therefore, the new option they are facing has some benefits today and paints a cool possibility for the future.

It’s the future possibility that messes with your mind. There is no way of knowing if this will be the chance of a lifetime or a big mistake.

Regardless, your decision-making is a crap shoot. There are pros and cons for each decision. Therefore, contrary to what a lot of coaches would do, I ask my clients to go to the dark side instead of focusing on the best possibilities.

First, let me say that it is likely that no decision will be wrong. You  struggle most with decisions that offer two or more good options. Your angst with leaving a bad option is another issue altogether.

Therefore, when you can’t make a choice among good options, know that whatever you choose will turn out alright. You may have regrets for what you didn’t choose but that’s life. The more we age, the more regrets we can count up even when the decision we made was the best at the time. So my first question is:

1. Which choice will leave you with more regrets?

If the answer isn’t clear, I ask:

2. Looking at each choice, how difficult will it be to move on if it doesn’t work out? There is always another step beyond your current choice. Consider your choice as a part of the path instead of the destination.

3. If you had no choice and had to leave what you are doing today, would you be grateful for the new opportunity or just relieved to have the choice made for you? New opportunities are not necessarily gifts or omens sent by the universe. They show up when you do good work. You are not being ungrateful if you turn down an opportunity. You will get more offers in the future.

4. Which choice could leave you feeling more lonely, really? Although you may be offered a fabulous new challenge, you want to make sure your support system is intact regardless. It is easier to deal with disappointments when you have family, friends and a coach to reach out to. However, remember that you can deal with loneliness most anywhere so don’t use this as an excuse to relax your fear. Be realistic with this answer; it’s important.

No decision will be perfect. Most decisions seem to work out in the end. You aren’t crazy. You are blessed to have options for your life. So make your choice and hang on for the ride. You could be facing a similar decision next year.

Even though I wasn’t attached to winning (I represented the older generation), once the ball touched my hands I felt the urge to show off what I knew about bowling. I was never an expert bowler, but I was a respectable league member in my twenties. Never mind that I had not bowled for thirty years. It’s like riding a bike, right?

My confidence quickly melted. I knocked down one pin in my first frame. Six in the next and then back down to two in the third frame. Halfway through the game, my score was a measly 21.

Nothing I did seem to work when I tried to adjust my throw. So I quit being frustrated, laughed at myself and decided to bowl backwards. I moved across the alley and threw the ball from the other side, opposite from where I was used to.

This time, I threw a spare. Then I had two strikes in a row. Then another spare. I ended the tenth frame with a spare as well. I cheered as I my final score of 115 showed up on the screen.

This was a great reminder to me that when I give up knowing, pushing and expecting, magic can happen.

When I quit knowing what to do and believing I know better how things get done than my family, friends and colleagues, I am free to explore and learn. I am free to see new possibilities. I am free to have fun.

What can you give up knowing today?

Life is much more fun and magical when you are curious to learn and experiment instead of already knowing what to do.

This was the announcement I heard as I walked through the airport. About every three minutes, I heard,

“Bend Over, you have a message waiting…”

I smiled each time. Everyone around me laughed and smiled as well.

Many people remarked that “some kids were having fun.”

Yet everyone thought it was funny.

I had just left a plane where I sat next to a young German girl, about ten years old, traveling alone from Frankfurt to Charlotte. She spoke no English. Yet my smiles reassured her. And when she laughed at the cartoons and animated movies during the flight, I couldn’t help but peek at her screen to see what was so funny. I wanted to laugh too.

Laughter is multi-cultural and never gets old. All people laugh at all ages. Even my mother who had lost her ability to speak as her Alzheimer’s advanced still smiled and laughed when I took her to feed the ducks.

Faith can connect and give people hope. So does laughter. I were to put faith and laughter side by side, I would say they are equally powerful. And laughter can be more contagious than faith to those who are resistant. It’s hard not to smile when someone around you is laughing. I believe they both work miracles.

Open your heart today by finding things to laugh at and sharing what you found with others.

And the next time you see the paging phone at the airport, have the guts to pick it up and send a message to Ima Joker.

On the final evening of a week-long leadership class, we all went to a wonderful restaurant where the decor was a fusion of art and furnishings from many Asian countries. It was a beautiful mash-up.

We ordered a lot of food to share. At the end of the meal, I asked if any of the locals would take home a doggie bag of the leftovers. They laughed at me.

Apparently, if you ask for a doggie bag in the Philippines, you get all the leftovers piled on each other in a bag ready to feed your dog. If you want the food for yourself, you clearly indicate what you want to be boxed up separately in a take-away box, not a doggie bag.

I was reminded of two things from this experience:

1. I speak in slang more than I realize.

2. If I am not specific in asking for what I want, then I will get back something that doesn’t quite meet my expectations.

It is irritating that people can’t read my mind, especially those that have known me for a while and should know what I want, right?!? Sigh.

Although most dogs will enjoy any pile of gruel you feed them, I would like to be more specific with what I want for my life. On the flight back home, I started composing my five-year and fifteen-year vision so I can be clear about what I am asking for.

What about you? Has your life been a doggie bag mash-up or hand-picked treat?

We love having our passions aroused by movies, music and moments with friends and family. Yet as our daily duties consume our energies, we live passionless lives.

Is this by choice or biology? Does passion erode with age?

I remember what it felt like when I left my last job, when I was free of endless meetings, of searching for the truth in office gossip and of fighting battles I thought I wisely chose. In a moment of silence I realized how numb I felt. In order to deal with the worries, frustrations and exhaustion tied to my work, my brain trimmed the edges of my emotions to allow me to survive. My brain kept me from breaking down. In the process, I lost my ability to fully feel.

Even now as I travel around the world sharing ideas that I hope will lift the consciousness of those I touch, I question if I am still living within boundaries that keep me safe and a bit anesthetized.

I had the great pleasure to hear the poet Azure Antoinette at a conference I spoke at. The words she spoke still ring in my ears are, “Well-behaved women never made history.” I was the consummate rebel in my youth. Have I lost this energy?

I question my politicians but do little to help my candidates of choice to win. I question the hierarchical male-dominated structure of our organizations but do little more than coach and teach others to cope within this system. I question why my writing has not made me famous but do little to market myself on a larger scale.

Am I being well-behaved or worse, too logical to play big?

I am making a goal to be conscious of my excuses. Time, money and health are easy defenses to spot. And then there’s lack of direction. Azure also said that the words “I don’t know my purpose” create the worst excuse we can use for letting mediocrity settle in. Instead, we should consciously choose to live in the spirit of the purpose we seek.

What about you? You might not be ready to leap across your boundaries, but can you take one step toward the other side? What would that look like? What would you have to do to allow yourself to misbehave?

If we all take these steps together, one step at a time, one human at a time, we will change the world. If that doesn’t wake up your senses, I don’t know what will.

Women are increasingly identifying themselves by the work they do.

Not only has work moved into the forefront of our lives, our passion to make a difference has more outlets as more women find their way down increasingly diverse professional paths. As I explain in Wander Woman, women are motivated more by “motion and meaning” than titles and money once their survival needs are met. Then for high-achievers, add the years and dollars we invest in getting degrees and building our careers and it’s easy to see how we lose our identity to our work.

A downside to confusing your work with who you think you are is taking mistakes and failure too personally. An error, even if it leads to a failed attempt to achieve something you desired for years, is an event. It is not who you are.

However, how you respond to a mistake or failure defines who you are—if you jump back up or stay down after the fall.

A number of my friends have had difficulties getting jobs or maintaining their businesses during the recession. I too faced a low point last summer. When this happens, it is hard not to feel the pain of failure. The only way out of this dark hole is to keep focusing on the experience as a loss and setback without thinking of yourself as a failure (I know, it’s easier said than done).

Some other useful tips to keep your work results from defining who you are include:

1. Keep your ultimate goals in mind. What change do you want to want to make? What impact do you want to have? How do you want people to think or act differently as a result of your work? When you are clear on this, then you can find another way to reach your goals after something you tried failed or gave you results far less than you had hoped for.
2. Get back on the horse as soon as possible. You may need time to grieve the loss of a dream you had, but taking steps in your new direction as soon as possible will keep you from feeling helpless.
3. Get out of your head and go help someone else. Focusing your energy on helping someone else who has fallen into a deeper hole than yours will give you the gifts of perspective, gratitude, and compassion.
4. List the successful actions you have taken this year. Identify the traits you possess that helped you to create these successes. These traits (emotions, values, positive habits, perspective, and attitude) are a major part of who you, not the tasks you achieved. No one can take these traits away from you no matter what happens to your job or pet project. Read this post I wrote for Huffington to help you identify your unique contributions.
5. Look for the lesson in the setback. What did you learn that you never want to repeat? The setback is truly a failure if you don’t acknowledge lessons learned. All wise people have long lists of lessons learned from their mistakes.

I wish you many successes soon after you bounce back from your lessons. Please celebrate the person you are who has the heart to keep on going.

These were some of the wonderful words of advice that Dr. Ella Bell, professor at the Tuck School of Business at Dartmouth, gave us during the Women’s Leadership conference I spoke at last week in Cleveland.

Dr. Bell was talking about the changes that still need to be made in the workplace. I think her words ring true for the changes that need to be made in the world.

I hate hearing horror stories of how women treat each other. At work, women young and old still hurt each other by limiting access to important meetings and committees, withholding information, and blocking contact with mentors and higher-ups.

I question if only women do this. I have experienced men who do this as well. I believe this type of behavior, ranging from ignoring people to outright backstabbing reflects the fears we are feeling and a scarcity mindset more than the habits of gender.

This lack of trust has grown as our economy keeps sputtering. The animosity displayed by our leaders has brought out the worst in everyone else. People are driven by fear, pitting them against each other instead of inspiring them to work together to rise above the crisis.

I’ve been teaching leaders for 30 years. I wouldn’t count on this sweeping change of leadership behavior to happen anytime soon.

Therefore, I recommend to my coaching clients, most of them women, that they actively find friends and create their own “positive conspiracies of change.” I also coach them on how they can bring this behavior into the fabric of their corporate cultures and communities.

This covert operation benefits everyone. When we speak with one voice, we can change the world.

You might be thinking that you are too busy for this. Working women tend to put their personal relationships on the back burner behind work and family. The truth is, you need to make time for your friendships for both your present happiness and your future growth.

Besides helping to make changes at work, friends open doors and connect you with other people. They also talk with you and sometimes are just silent with you when life is overwhelming or discouraging, something women do better than men who want to fix you. Women in different positions at work can provide critical eyes to help you navigate your own path.

Biologically, when you socially connect with other women, you activate the brain regions that improve health and increase creativity. Women respond to threats in four ways, Fight, Flight, Flee, and Friend. Having good friends to call is a major stress release.

If you work alone or you don’t have a way of creating a conspiracy among women in your company, you can assemble a community from women in your external networks. Look for like-minded women in your professional associations, in classes at your local universities and colleges, and even at your gym.

When looking for other women to hang out with, choose women with positive outlooks who:

• Are willing to accept help as well as offer it,
• Will commit to showing up physically and mentally when you schedule time together,
• Are on their own personal development journeys, and
• Are willing to share their personal concerns and dreams while having a sincere desire to hear yours.

Also, make sure you have at least one woman in your network who will be honest and compassionately direct with you even when you don’t ask for her opinion. Find someone who will not back down when you adamantly defend yourself. Having at least one person who is willing to be honest with you is critical for your growth.

Let’s put the “catfight” myth to rest. It’s time to collaborate and trust one another. Start forming your positive conspiracies today.

Gloria said the people she worked with would say to her, “Come Auntie, let’s talk story.”

She quickly discovered they called all adult women Auntie. She fortunately surmised this was an important opportunity. She let go of the piles of work she had to do, choosing to go with the group to a place they could talk.

The people in her office eagerly listened to her stories about her parents migrating from China to the United States and how she had to pursue degrees at Sarah Lawrence and Harvard on her own because her parents didn’t think it was wise for a woman to spend her life that way.

Once they knew her stories, they not only trusted her but respected her.

We bond when we share stories. We feel a kinship on this life’s journey. We know the person we are with is as human as we are with struggles, triumphs, dreams, disappointments and surprises. Our judgment fades away. Our hearts soften when we hear each other’s stories.

I’m amazed how I keep learning this lesson sitting on airplanes. Whatever judgment I had about the person sitting too close to me fades when I hear their story. I still might choose to work, read, or watch something else than spend the flight talking to my seatmate, but the silly feelings of annoyance melt away.

When we listen to each other’s stories, we often see the similarities in our experiences, our struggles and our desires.

When I coach teams, I often ask each person to describe their perfect day one year from now, from the time they wake up until the time they go to sleep. When they share their dreams for both work and their home lives, the members are always amazed at how similar they are. A special rapport develops which helps them collaborate when they shift to tackling their work problems and actions.

Familiarity brings us together. Then, we open the space to ask each other, “What’s next?” Instead of feeling as if we are separate, we feel we are on a journey together.

What relationship could you improve by setting a time to share stories? What story could you add to your next presentation to better connect with your audience? What person would you like to know better by asking to hear their story?

What story would you like to share here? Come Aunties, let’s talk story.

When I take a step back and breath, I know better than to take up the sword. That is fighting fire with fire.

Instead, I hope people ask the questions,

• What can we do to come together to show we not only care for the victims, but that we stand for peaceful, respectful debate and honoring each other above our differences?
• How can we better understand what would drive a human to such horrific actions?
• How can we rise above the hate to use compassion and hope to heal the wounds of our country?

My greatest hope is that Representative Gifford survives and becomes a voice for bridging our differences. She is a smart, strong woman. I pray for her return to the platform.