I am a person who thinks I control my time and I have to manage it well. It is times like this I realize that controlling time is an illusion.

I only have control of what I do with time, right?

I am in Copenhagen. My functional notion of time is based on the United States, where time doesn’t change until next week. Europe switched over last night while I slept.

The person who lost out because of this change was my partner, Karl, who waited in Arizona as a slept another hour in Denmark before I was up for our morning/night check in Skype call. Sorry Karl.

I benefited because even though I set the alarm for the amount of sleep time I believe my body needs–and I have this notion I won’t sleep any longer–my digital clock made the change and my biological clock happily overrode my brain. I easily slept for another hour.

In fact, after I finally got up and talked to Karl, I realized I had nothing pressing to do until the afternoon. So I went back to sleep. Glorious!

Once again, I am reminded that time just is. I decide if I don’t have enough time to get everything done. I also decide to forget about time and go with what feels wonderfully right in the moment.

In the long run, the most important things always get done.

If for some reason some of my tasks don’t get done, then I need to look further as to why I am making myself do things I don’t like to do or what made me drop those things to the bottom of the to-do list. Can I plan my life to decrease what I don’t like and focus more on what brings me joy, a sense of purpose, and a feeling that time doesn’t matter?

If I am procrastinating on doing something, what is keeping me from choosing this work? Is it the nature of the work or the people I have to connect with that makes my brain flee to other, possibly time-wasting tasks?

I am making decisions all the time about time. How can I be more aware of these decisions?

Can I take some “should do” items off the list?

Do I have a vision of what I want to create for myself in 3-5 years? If so, do my tasks help me to reach this vision? If I don’t, is it time to create a vision or update an old one that doesn’t serve who I am today?

What I realized while I lie in my bed this morning: Quit trying to manage time.

The better I manage my life, making sure I am healthy, happy and feel fulfilled by my work, the less time is a problem.

Thank you for taking the time to read this post. Do you have time to write a comment?

That is why I haven’t written in a while. And I probably will be barely above silent throughout the rest of the year until this monster project I am working on is complete.

That being said, I read a Harvard Business Review Tip of the Day last week that I had to share with you. It is called, Beware of the 3 Double-Edged Traits of High-Achievers. For those of you who are like me — you love what you accomplish but can get lost in the process — here are three potholes to watch out for on your journey (the quotes came from the tip posted on Sept. 19th):

• Disconnected. You don’t have to do everything yourself. Ask for help. Share what you are working on with others. “Collaborate or you’ll feel alone.”
• Craving positive feedback. Because you love the applause for your good work, you may obsess over criticism, even when it’s included with positive feedback. “Don’t let one constructive piece of input overshadow everything you hear.”
• Discontent. No matter how much you accomplish you have a nagging feeling that you could have done more. You may even over-edit your work just to make sure. “Set realistic goals and take satisfaction in achieving them.”

This tip was adapted from Managing Yourself: The Paradox of Excellence by Thomas J. DeLong and Sara DeLong.

You can sign up here to get the HBR Management Tip of the Day. I get both the Tip and the Daily Stat. In my crazy, busy day of trying to excel at everything I promised to do, I still find the few minutes I need to read these gems.

This was the announcement I heard as I walked through the airport. About every three minutes, I heard,

“Bend Over, you have a message waiting…”

I smiled each time. Everyone around me laughed and smiled as well.

Many people remarked that “some kids were having fun.”

Yet everyone thought it was funny.

I had just left a plane where I sat next to a young German girl, about ten years old, traveling alone from Frankfurt to Charlotte. She spoke no English. Yet my smiles reassured her. And when she laughed at the cartoons and animated movies during the flight, I couldn’t help but peek at her screen to see what was so funny. I wanted to laugh too.

Laughter is multi-cultural and never gets old. All people laugh at all ages. Even my mother who had lost her ability to speak as her Alzheimer’s advanced still smiled and laughed when I took her to feed the ducks.

Faith can connect and give people hope. So does laughter. I were to put faith and laughter side by side, I would say they are equally powerful. And laughter can be more contagious than faith to those who are resistant. It’s hard not to smile when someone around you is laughing. I believe they both work miracles.

Open your heart today by finding things to laugh at and sharing what you found with others.

And the next time you see the paging phone at the airport, have the guts to pick it up and send a message to Ima Joker.

I decided to ease up on my social media schedule the past month, so please forgive my silence.

Additionally, I did not have an Internet connection in my room, so I could only read email during breakfast and after dinner. When I finally settled into this routine, it felt so civilized.

Class didn’t start until 10:00 am, even when I taught on-site at a bank. So every morning I had the time and space to wake up after a nice sleep, get in an hour of exercise, watch the news while I dressed for the day, and then call Karl on Skype and answer my email while I ate a full, healthy breakfast. It felt so civilized.

The classes were so refreshing. Everyone was interested in learning. No one checked their email during class. We had great conversations at break and lunch. A few who spoke English connected with me on LinkedIn and Facebook so we could continue learning together in the future at leisure from home. Now that’s civilized.

When I released the need to get more done faster, the need to fill in my time with work and the need to stay on top of everything, I was more effective at what I chose to focus on. And I felt full of energy all day long. Shouldn’t that be our definition of higher civilization?

Working from 10 – 6, or even 9-7 if you include reading email is far more civilized than my normal 5am-hit-the-ground-running until I am too tired to read the computer screen.

It made me wonder if our civilization isn’t crumbling because we cannot enjoy the lives we work so hard to create. We are so buried under “have to’s” and  commitments it’s hard to get a perspective on what is truly important. We don’t see what we miss until it is in the rear view mirror.

One of my clients told me she is always shifting at least five priorities at a time. Shouldn’t the definition of “priority” mean there is only one thing on top? We choose that one thing until we have time for the next priority.

I’ve had a lot to do since I came home but I’m trying to maintain some sense of civility in my life. Hopefully, I’ll add more value to my coaching, writing and dreaming by being more present to each task.

How can you live a more civilized life today?

I just spent two days as emcee of an amazing workshop for authors. I co-chaired the event which means I have been working on it for a year. Then I was so wrapped up in making sure the experience was perfect that I forgot I was also a participant who was there to enjoy the day.

I remember thinking this after my wedding years ago. I wanted the event to be “just right.” this focus took me away from the moment and the joy of the experience. My memories are a blur and unemotional.

When you feel responsible for an event, whether its as big as a conference or as small as a gathering of friends, do you get so wrapped up in making sure it is perfect that you forget to be present? What do you do to find moments to enjoy what is going on?

At the women’s conference in Trinidad, I kept telling the organizer, Giselle, “Breathe and soak in the moment. Your work is already done.” She thanked me for the reminder.

So why didn’t I heed my own advice? After my event this past week, I loved that so many people told me what a wonderful time they had. I wish I could have felt the depth of that experience with them instead of standing on the side the entire time. I’m sure the little details would have worked themselves out regardless of my constant scrutiny.

Taking my own medicine, I should have practiced my famous “Outsmart Your Brain” formula:

1. Relax (you have to breathe and release the tension in your body if you want to release your mind)

2. Detach (let go of being the one who has to make everything “just right”)

3. Center (focus on your point of strength just below your navel)

4. Focus (choose the emotion you want to feel and let it flow through your body)

When I practice this formula and choose joy, gratitude or happiness to flow into my bones, I can’t help but be present to what is wonderful in the moment.

I hope you enjoy your day!

She started by saying, “People think my life is together so I should be able to help them get their life together.” She didn’t disclaim the idea. Instead, she launched into her sense of where women stand in the world today.

“We, as women, are living in a most interesting time in history. We are the subjects of a social experiment. Suddenly we have choices, self-sufficiency, freedom…we don’t have thousands of years of role models, or even 50 years.”

She described how our lives used to resemble each other’s whereas now our lives are very different from our sisters and old friends. We struggle with making decisions and then live with worry or regret over the decisions we made.

It is no wonder many of us are neurotic and keep seeking to find the one person who can tell us how to put our lives together and feel happy ever after.

She shared stories of how this ambiguity shows up in all of our lives no matter what choices we make.

Then she shared what her day looks like. She starts with an hour of meditation, then an hour of yoga,and then a wonderful breakfast before sitting down to write. Or maybe she sees friends before summoning her muse.

Then she said, “Do you believe this is true? It’s not. I get up every day and do my best, just like you.” She said she often falls short of what she had hoped to accomplish and the days go too fast for her to keep up.

She ended by telling us to “Let go of the knife you are holding at your throat, the knife of shame, blame, fear and remorse.”

There was a long, deathly silence, a clear acknowledgment of how solid her words had hit home with the more than a thousand women in the room.

“Be kind to yourself,” she implored,  “especially now. You must give yourself unconditional self-friendship.”

She said a few more things about putting the knife of judgment away and then ended her speech. The room burst with applause. They didn’t mind that she shared nothing new and no secret formula of success.

She shared her humanity. She shared how much she cares about what women are doing to themselves. And she shared a simple, profound truth that we need to hear over and over again.

I have even more admiration for Elizabeth Gilbert, as a speaker and a wise woman (and of course, as an author). I will do my best to put the knife away today. What about you?

We love having our passions aroused by movies, music and moments with friends and family. Yet as our daily duties consume our energies, we live passionless lives.

Is this by choice or biology? Does passion erode with age?

I remember what it felt like when I left my last job, when I was free of endless meetings, of searching for the truth in office gossip and of fighting battles I thought I wisely chose. In a moment of silence I realized how numb I felt. In order to deal with the worries, frustrations and exhaustion tied to my work, my brain trimmed the edges of my emotions to allow me to survive. My brain kept me from breaking down. In the process, I lost my ability to fully feel.

Even now as I travel around the world sharing ideas that I hope will lift the consciousness of those I touch, I question if I am still living within boundaries that keep me safe and a bit anesthetized.

I had the great pleasure to hear the poet Azure Antoinette at a conference I spoke at. The words she spoke still ring in my ears are, “Well-behaved women never made history.” I was the consummate rebel in my youth. Have I lost this energy?

I question my politicians but do little to help my candidates of choice to win. I question the hierarchical male-dominated structure of our organizations but do little more than coach and teach others to cope within this system. I question why my writing has not made me famous but do little to market myself on a larger scale.

Am I being well-behaved or worse, too logical to play big?

I am making a goal to be conscious of my excuses. Time, money and health are easy defenses to spot. And then there’s lack of direction. Azure also said that the words “I don’t know my purpose” create the worst excuse we can use for letting mediocrity settle in. Instead, we should consciously choose to live in the spirit of the purpose we seek.

What about you? You might not be ready to leap across your boundaries, but can you take one step toward the other side? What would that look like? What would you have to do to allow yourself to misbehave?

If we all take these steps together, one step at a time, one human at a time, we will change the world. If that doesn’t wake up your senses, I don’t know what will.

Women are increasingly identifying themselves by the work they do.

Not only has work moved into the forefront of our lives, our passion to make a difference has more outlets as more women find their way down increasingly diverse professional paths. As I explain in Wander Woman, women are motivated more by “motion and meaning” than titles and money once their survival needs are met. Then for high-achievers, add the years and dollars we invest in getting degrees and building our careers and it’s easy to see how we lose our identity to our work.

A downside to confusing your work with who you think you are is taking mistakes and failure too personally. An error, even if it leads to a failed attempt to achieve something you desired for years, is an event. It is not who you are.

However, how you respond to a mistake or failure defines who you are—if you jump back up or stay down after the fall.

A number of my friends have had difficulties getting jobs or maintaining their businesses during the recession. I too faced a low point last summer. When this happens, it is hard not to feel the pain of failure. The only way out of this dark hole is to keep focusing on the experience as a loss and setback without thinking of yourself as a failure (I know, it’s easier said than done).

Some other useful tips to keep your work results from defining who you are include:

1. Keep your ultimate goals in mind. What change do you want to want to make? What impact do you want to have? How do you want people to think or act differently as a result of your work? When you are clear on this, then you can find another way to reach your goals after something you tried failed or gave you results far less than you had hoped for.
2. Get back on the horse as soon as possible. You may need time to grieve the loss of a dream you had, but taking steps in your new direction as soon as possible will keep you from feeling helpless.
3. Get out of your head and go help someone else. Focusing your energy on helping someone else who has fallen into a deeper hole than yours will give you the gifts of perspective, gratitude, and compassion.
4. List the successful actions you have taken this year. Identify the traits you possess that helped you to create these successes. These traits (emotions, values, positive habits, perspective, and attitude) are a major part of who you, not the tasks you achieved. No one can take these traits away from you no matter what happens to your job or pet project. Read this post I wrote for Huffington to help you identify your unique contributions.
5. Look for the lesson in the setback. What did you learn that you never want to repeat? The setback is truly a failure if you don’t acknowledge lessons learned. All wise people have long lists of lessons learned from their mistakes.

I wish you many successes soon after you bounce back from your lessons. Please celebrate the person you are who has the heart to keep on going.

I always endeavor to do good work. Yet I don’t expect my work to be perfect. I would never call myself a perfectionist. However, I am a completionist.

I remember how hard it was to pull myself away from unfinished work to drive home from the office. Now that I work from home, I have to schedule the time to turn off the computer to enjoy my evening. Even then, I have to distract my mind fully or my unfinished work will haunt me. I have to hide my cell phone so I don’t see the flashing red light telling me there are emails waiting to be read.

I know I am a bit obsessive. I also know I’m not alone.

I have found this same pattern of behavior in many of my clients. From our discussions, it seems this pattern can start at any age. For me, I was always the first to turn in my assignments at school. I wasn’t showing off. I just wanted the tasks off my to-do list.

Some of my clients said they weren’t like this until the past decade. The more they were bombarded with email and things to do, the more they felt the need to get their lives in control. The irony of this behavior is that the more they tried to control their inboxes and lists, the less control they felt they had, leaving them feeling overwhelmed.

Even though we aren’t perfectionists, the way to manage our “completionism” is similar: let go. We have to find ways to let go of shoulds, coulds and so many “have to’s.” We need to identify when the obsession to get things done is causing stress and anxiety and choose to honor our health over our work.

The next time you keep telling yourself that it is vital you do one more thing before you can divert your eyes from your phone or computer, listen to your justification. Is it really a good reason or just an elaborate rationalization?

What is the worst that will happen if you get up now and walk away? What might you do better if you left it for tomorrow?

If you are a completionist, here is your challenge: Walk away from the computer. Hide your phone. Do something to relax our body as well as your mind. Do this at least twice a day, three times if you are brave.

You will still get enough done. You will still be accountable to others. You won’t be missing anything important.

Become the master not the victim of your lists. Then share with us what you did and what happened. All of us completionists need your inspiration!

I heard a teenage girl scream. I turned around in time to see her rush into the arms of a man as she said, “I love you madly, dadly.” They hugged and declared how glad they were to see each other.

Then her dad asked her how school was going. She said, “I got an A in Math.”

He responded, “You were surprised?”

“Well, dad you know, it could have gone another way.”

“Not my girl.”

She then changed the subject. My luggage arrived so I left the reunion.

The scene haunted me as I headed for the car rental shuttle. I remember my father saying similar things to me. When I was looking for acknowledgment of an accomplishment, I got a back-handed compliment that felt more like a reprimand. Not only did my father expect me to earn A’s, he layered the pressure on me by suggesting I would achieve great results with no effort. Therefore, I didn’t really need acknowledgment.

I never felt as if I could do enough to please him. I always felt there was more I could do. Plus, I couldn’t help but feel that if the work was difficult, there was something wrong with me.

As a high-achiever, I’m still holding myself to ridiculous standards which lead me to beat myself up for simple mistakes and less than perfect results.

At least I have become aware of the “burden of greatness” my parents imposed on me. I am working to be more compassionate with myself and more accepting when others want to give me the gifts of praise.

Unfortunately, it took me decades to figure this out. My hope is that parents of high-achievers get this message so they don’t unnecessarily burden their brilliant kids. Please pass this on to the parents you know.

Expectations are not compliments. Don’t confuse the two.

When you notice great results by someone–adults as well as children–tell them even if you think they must know how great they are. Your generous words are not only wonderful gifts, they are good food for the brain.

Let’s make this coming year the Year of Appreciation.